which means I'm going to attempt an end of year journal!
before I continue
just a btw
for those of you who know
's Tiny People AU idea, that size difference between the normal humans and the tiny people in that AU is the same as the humans (giants) and dwellers in my
now you know--
and sobbing because I wanna join the Futuristic AU thing of
's but my muse for futuristic things is the most pathetic thing ever like i actually go braindead trying to think about it and I feel bad because of it
basically I'm going through the second-wave of my infections? Like, I got better... but now I'm back to feeling like shit again? And I feel even more like shit because it means I can't hang out with my friends on New Year's, and I really wanted to... OTL
and I've run out of anti-depressants and I'm running on a couple hours sleep I FEEL SO CRAP I WANNA TOSS MYSELF OFF THE BALCONY
so yeah the truth is that i'm over here feeling isolated and my brain hurts and it's all the self-loathing up in this bitch
but I'm just going to push that aside because I'm going to talk about my overall summary of 2013 and my resolutions for 2014. So let's just back out of the self-woe driveway and ride the highway of Mel's rambly shit. YEAH BABY
i'm riding that rambly highway on a motorcycle and 'Bound 2' is playing in the background
SO LET'S DO SOME CATEGORIES, SHALL WE?
let's start out with boring things which you don't care about and then get to the shit you still don't care about
THE LIFE OF A MELON: THE 2013 EDITION
the irl Mel - aka the Melissa person who ha different nicknames with everyone
Okay where do I even begin? For me irl, life was a total rollercoaster. I'm going to be dead honest though: this year was one of the hardest for me yet, for many reasons. If you don't feel like reading absolutely honest shit, feel free to skim past... otherwise lol, prepare for the emotional rollercoaster??? Hahahahaaa
Basically I was feeling absolutely shit and had really low self-esteem and it occurred to me that I had been feeling this way for a long time... But I kept pretending I didn't feel like that at all. I really wish I didn't deny it for so long, to be perfectly honest. In any case, I went to the doctor and did a bunch of tests and got diagnosed with depression. Don't worry, I was never on the point where it was a threat to my life, but yeah, I was in a bad way. What made it worse was well, I tried to explain it to my dad and he essentially acted as if the depression wasn't real and I didn't need medication and was just being immature and oh yeah, he didn't believe me when I came out as asexual. So you can imagine how that made me feel. And yeah, I didn't really detail much about all that, but that happened in April and I still feel absolutely shit when I think back to that.
Parenting Tip #1: don't act as if your kid's sexuality or condition or whatever isn't real kthnxbai
The tip of the iceberg was being told I do have Asperger's after all. So basically my brother has it (a strong strong case of it, mine is mild) and I knew about this years ago. I asked my parents if I got tested and had it too and you know what? They said no. So um... gee thanks. I'd been lied to about a mental condition for nearly two decades? And I got told the truth very shortly after I got diagnosed with depression.
Parenting Tip #2: don't lie to your kid when they ask you something important that may actually matter to them as they get older kthnxbai
So you can probably guess why I spent a good chunk of my year hating my parents, but still pretending as much as I can that it all wasn't a big deal but oh god, it was, it was such a big deal. Woo.
And then I started talking anti-depressants combined with some anti-nausea pills, but I ended up losing the will to eat much. The nausea made me so ill and basically I lived off the minimum and felt even more shit. I was getting really underweight too but I couldn't help it - food I usually loved didn't even encourage me to eat. I looked at that food and the thought of having to physically eat made me feel ill. I guess I can understand how people with eating disorders feel? OTL
Then it got to the point where I had too much of the medication as a combo and I had a bad reaction to it. I got rushed to hospital and basically I had a jawlock (basically my teeth kept grinding really hard and I couldn't make it stop) and this painful neck spasm that kept locking in painful ways and oh god it was one of the worst nights of my life. It was a bad medicine combo and basically I had little control over my body for most of the night. And ever since then, I've had this neck strain. Yaaay.
In amongst all that, my education was suffering. I loved European Studies work, it was fascinating to me and tbh it encouraged my research into other countries. Anthropology was fascinating as always, though I wish I didn't skip so many lectures. I scraped a pass though? Sigh. But the real issue was the realisation that my degree wasn't actually going to get me into a job I actually wanted to do. I felt annoyed, because I did a change in degree last year and thought that would be it... but I knew I couldn't stick with what I was doing.
So I guess in the final months of the first half of the year, after I made a recovery from the hospital and got new medication, I kind of said to myself, 'well life is shit, but that doesn't mean I should stop and let things be shit' and so I did my own research on what I could study instead of being at university. I wanted to find study that actually gave me skills for being employed and I realised the perfect industry for me: travel. I love learning about the world and I want to get out there and explore it as soon as possible. I didn't want to spend years getting a degree and going into a job that wouldn't actually allow me to do what I really wanted to do.
So I got myself enrolled at a Travel and Tourism College and started in July. It's been an interesting experience. It was kinda like being at high school again - having the same classmates and doing different subjects each week and playing games in class and all sorts. I mean, I was really shy though. Hella reserved. Considering how the start of my year was, you could probably guess why I was anything like the self I portray myself to be on the internet.
But I did a lot of drawings in class - I'm always sketching in classes, it's a habit of mine. I got noticed for it and well, I somehow became the main arty person at the campus. Yeah, whenever arty things were going on, I was the person called on. THEY MADE ME DRAW A GIANT MAP OF AUSTRALIA ON A WALL OKAY and I got lots of classmates asking me to draw them and stuff. Okay, let's face it, the "Can you draw me?" thing is a pain to most artists, but tbh, it was just nice to get noticed for being able to do something. Not only that, but uh... to be blunt, I was one of the most intelligent people in the class, and got noticed for being smart. Well, it's travel and tourism, which goes hand in hand with having worldly knowledge... and I love studying countries, so that worked out. Also it turned out that I was one of the few in the class who passed NCEA levels 1-3 (which essentially means that I completed high school properly over here in NZ) and was the only one who did over a year of studying at a university... so I guess that explained it?
Even so, it was just really nice to interact with people (and my classmates are a crack-up, I'm kinda different from a lot of them in many ways but I liked them, I was never on bad terms with anyone at course) and actually feel like I could do something with myself. I had a place in the class. I may have been awkward and reserved but people were able to count on me a lot, and it's been so long since I felt anyone could do that.
So yeah, while college was a pain in that I had to wake up at 7am every day in the week and was at course from 9am-4pm (which is longer than high school classes, ahaha), I think it ultimately was good for me. I finally had my education back on track and I was actively doing something and doing really well with it. I also got a nice counsellor who I saw throughout the second half of the year and so I could finally vent all this shit that had been building up for years and years.
OH YEAH AND YOU KNOW HOW COUNSELLORS TAKE DOWN TONS OF NOTES WHILE YOU RANT AT THEM AND YOU'RE LED TO BELIEVE THAT THEY'RE WRITING DOWN ALL THESE JUDGEMENTS???
yeah my counsellor let me look at her notes and she was basically just writing down everything I said without passing judgement, so yeah not all counsellors are a bunch of judging little shits
~the more you know~
MOVING ALONG TO THE NEXT RANT ABOUT IRL MEL
My friendships irl was um... interesting. So like, my best friends are Erin and Isla and that didn't change. They were great and were basically among those that well, kept me going, especially through that first half of the year. I love them so much, they're such amazing people, both of them. I need to see them again soon, gosh. And I still kept in contact with my main circle of high school friends and still do. In fact, I still keep in contact with some of my pals that I met at university! And I met more of their friends at parties and I was generally well-liked - I liked that a lot! The main downside was uh...
yeah I've ranted before about a guy I referred to as 'M' - watchers who read my journal entries in October-November would know that I felt really shit over all that. We've talked things out and we're good again - I just can't bring myself to see him as such a good friend as I did prior to what happened though... but I suppose that takes time? It was still sort of recent and I think both of us are sort of damaged people so we both need that time to recover. I won't rant too much about that, I had been more outspoken about that before, unlike with the other shit I'd just ranted so... yeah, I'll cut it out with that.
Um... so I guess if I had to rate the year for irl Mel... taking into account how shit most of the year was, but also noting that I'd finally gotten my mojo back for education... I guess I'd give it a 4/10, with the points based on the fact that I had some education mojo and my best friends were great. Everything else? Ahahaha //tosses it all out the window
So yeah, 4/10. I know that's not brilliant, but I said I was going to be honest. Whatever, I'm a fighter. I don't intend to give up.
And guess what? I finally graduate and can go out into the real world by the end of June 2014! I'll go on more about that in my New Year's Resolution.
The online Mel - whether you know her as melonstyle or sassymelons (tumblr username lol)
I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT I GOT SO MANY PEOPLE CALLING ME SENPAI THIS YEAR LIKE IF I HAD A DOLLAR FOR EVERY TIME I WAS CALLED SENPAI I WOULD GO IMMIGRATE TO EUROPE EARLY NEXT YEAR?????? ok maybe i wouldn't be that rich... or would i
So let's cut out all of the irl shit.
My art style and colouring kept changing all year and I have no consistency and my tablet's pen pressure hasn't worked for years. Even so, it was fun this year. I was a lot more active with my deviantArt and I did draw quite a lot. I felt like I improved a bit. MY FIRST DIGITAL WORKS USED TO BE SHIT YOU HAVE NO IDEA OMG - well ok if you looked through my old fanart folder but please don't, I am forever embarrassed by it amg
I just wish I had more mojo for updating my doujinshis. TBH though, I'm really glad I thought of the ideas though, because it was through storywork and creativity that I actually got myself to introduce myself to people and get to know them and hey, don'tcha love stories that bring people together?
That's why I absolutely had to do
- I wanted a story that could be shared with people, whether they be friends I already had, or completely new friends altogether! I wanted people to feel like they could pitch in and idk, I liked the idea of an AU family where we could watch it start off as something small and just watch it expand and have you guys be with me along the way. I think it's stories like those that are the most precious. I really hope people will like the story of 'Elementary: Between the Eclipse' (the full title, ahaha).
It's a story about appreciating what you have, and learning to love the people around you, being willing to put yourself out there for the sake of others and fighting for your own happiness. It's about making dreams come true. It's about characters who feel trapped and want something more out of life and how they go out and get that for themselves. It's ultimately a story about hope.
And I think stories like that really need to be shared with those dear to you. And if you've been reading throughout this whole journal, you can guess why this project means so much to me and in fact, I am getting emotional thinking about it, it's sorta embarrassing? And you know what? I like to think that I'll be able to make people happy in seeing their ocs and the canon characters they love go out and go through this story.
I'm not the only person that has depression. I'm not the only person who has felt alone, who has dreams that they have little hope for day in and day out, who has felt trapped. So this story is dedicated to everyone who has ever felt like that about themselves. I don't want to be the only fighter. We're all fighters. So keep doing your best, you deserve to keep on going and making the most of what you have. You don't have nothing.
And so right now, I will say it. IN BIG FONT BECAUSE FUCK YEAH.
To all of my friends: I love each and every one of you. Even though I know some better than others, I know that each and every one of you is wonderful in your own way. Whether it be the cracky humour you have, whether you're wonderfully honest, whether you're adorably modest, whether you're that super duper sweetheart that is in current risk of being adopted by me permanently, whatever. Even if 2013 didn't treat you well, I still wish you the very best. I have seen so much growth in many of you, whether it be as artists, writers or just as a human in general. You make me so proud. I know you will continue to develop into awesome human beings and finally... I hope I have left an impression on each of you, because each of you have given me something to take away with me for life. Whether you've taught me trivia, given me different perspectives on issues, chatted like heck about some kind of nonsense, whatever. You have left your mark and you are one hell of a gorgeous sunflower. Thank you for letting me be more like the person I want to be.
gorgeous sunflower is like my highest compliment ever, accept it with grace and sincerity. <3
But honestly, I have loved my online year. Sure, it wasn't all peaches and cream, I'm pretty sure I felt like nuking a number of people here and there, but you know what? That makes life interesting. I got to meet tons of people, share aspects of me and learn about them in return. We laughed, we cried, we papminged into the night, we snarked, we fucked, =SGDFJSLHGF I AM JOKING I'M TOO ACE FOR Y'ALL, YOUR SEXINESS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME HAHAHAH
but um, seriously. IRL it was so hard to say what was on my mind and share the personality I actually have. You online people would probably be shocked as fuck as to what irl Mel is like compared to the online Mel, I am legit serious. But honestly, if I couldn't be me here, idk how I would have been. Yes I still hid a lot of me, but it was so much easier to focus on the positive side of me, that is hopeful and I am actually really extroverted online? I act so introverted irl, but online, weird things happen.
It's like I go online and a magical girl shoujo bubble transformation happens? And the end result is one of those buttpains but's all HELLO FRIENDS I AM HERE
and yeah, I know I'm flawed as fuck.
IRL me is so self-conscious of it, but online me has more of an attitude of "ok you little shits, this is me, take it or leave it", ahaha. And tbh I'm glad I went about things this way, because when you lay it out on the line and people still stick with you, you're onto something fine and beautiful and sparkles.
Btw, this year has been fantastic for being a gift recipient. Whoa whoa whoa, do you know that I have a favourites folder
of Gift Art/Art people have drawn of my OCs? I have 20 pages for it, and about 16 and a 1/2 of those pages are 2013 artworks that people have drawn for me? Do you know how friggen insane that is?! What the hell, I'm not even the best artist but it feels so awesome knowing that I have made characters that other people can love too. Most of my OCs aren't even that much like me but they're still dear to me. I think each of them do however, represent different sides of myself and so when people do like them, yeah, it does mean a lot to me.
So thank you thank you THANK YOU for the fanworks you people have made involving characters of mine. Ahhh<333
Oh yes and I'm glad I made my
account. Yeah, I'm not always active but the sheer amount of positive feedback I've had for my Philippines OC is seriously wonderful. Thank you so much! I hope people will enjoy seeing more of my other OCs too!
I think everyone has a little bit of themselves in their OCs too, so I think it's awesome that I've found so many OCs in this fandom that I absolutely adore. I mean come on, I can name so so many OCs off the top of my head that take on a life of their own, that are total delights! And one of the things I look forward to in 2014 is really letting people get to know the rest of my characters. And I hope to see more other brilliant OCs and extend my shiplist further, teehee.
OH YEAH AND I LOVE THE AUS NEVER STOP WITH THE AUS THEY ARE ONE OF MY FAVOURITE THINGS OF ONLINE FANDOM
seriously tho, in terms of the online life, fuck it, there were downs but they are easily surpassed by great, great things. So if we're going for a rating of online life 2013?
8 1/2 out of 10.
Main regrets being not submitting as much as I wanted and not being fast enough with works for other people. I'll try to get better--
So uh... a 4/10 and an 8 1/2 out of 10... So uh... 12 and 1/2 out of 20..? Which makes 6 1/4 out of 10 overall..? Eh, that's still more on the positive side than the negative. That's something, ahaha.
So without further ado, we shall move right along...
THE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS OF THE MELON FOR 2014
hahaha i'mma just spam a list
no particular order
- graduate from college with Distinction in June
- apply for Disney World Florida/Winter Resorts in North America AND GET ACCEPTED
- therefore I can finally live/work overseas for a while as experience before I officially leave New Zealand
- get some more job experience before I graduate
- learn how to cook more things because my main talents are pizza and toast and i guess that's not good enough for some people
- somehow become a domestic goddess because shitbuckets i am not good at the domestic goddess thing
- continue to keep in contact with beloved friends, both irl and online
- maybe even meet some online friends in person if I do shift overseas before the end of 2014!
- do more artworks/comics/writing because that's always good for the soul
- improve my overall health, be it physical/mental/emotional (yeah i could start now tbph lmao)
- exercise more (i'd do more right now if i wasn't sick OTL)
- i wanna go skiing, if i get to finally ski again in 2014 I will be a satisfied soapcake (is that now a phrase ok mel)
- make more friends and be a social butterfly
- be a good friend to my friends and support them through their highs and lows
- improve relations with the parents
- rp some more that's always good fun
- go swimming because i haven't done so in forever and i'm pretty sure if i got thrown into a pool i would drown ok maybe not that extreme but OTL
- be more honest with myself because i'm bad at that
- somehow make my two sides of personality join up and make for a well balanced Mel
- GET MY GIRL SWAG ON
- and go on a safari adventure
- and on that note, find even more wonderfully dumb music videos because you have no idea how much I love them (well ok some of you might know, right melzy????)
you know what's cray-cray I turn TWENTY ONE next year. In NZ that means I should get wonderfully drunk and party hard. Oh don't give me that look, I've been allowed to drink legally since I was 16 and am allowed to purchase it and enter night clubs since I was 18. I'm not one of those crazy drinkers, I'm actually quite good at pacing myself through the night.
in any case KUDOS TO THOSE WHO READ EVERYTHING AND SEE Y'ALL NEXT YEAR
hahaha i'm in new zealand so i get to see 2014 before you guys nyahahahahahhahaahahhahahahahahaha see you later neanderthals--
omg though I'd love to get feedback from you guys about your year, or see journals from you guys about your year! Hell, WE COULD DISCUSS THE 2013 OF YOU AND ME how delightfully intimate
i'll just finish the journal with my favourite gif